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off-canon.

Love changes

Pinkamena stands there in the door, doesn’t move, her bags are packed. “I’m leaving you.” She says in an indifferent voice. No answer. He just sits there, watching her. “How did it come to this?” Pinkamena asks herself. It wasn’t always like this. Times were better, there’s no denying. Was it her fault? Would he have been another man, if they hadn’t left Ponyville?
It all started after the time of the big chaos, when the chocolate-rain stopped to drop from heaven. In the fight against Discord, they first met. At this time, he was still in a relationship with Pinkamena’s friend Rarity, but when they saw each other, Pinkamena felt a warm funny feeling, which she couldn’t quite explain: at first, it got cold as if she jumped into the Ponyville pond on a warm summer day, then it was really hot, like the summers in Appeloosa. After that, she felt dizzy and her heart experienced a feeling, she couldn’t even describe. She didn’t tell anypony about these feelings during battle, she didn’t want to worry her friends in this serious moment. Luckily, the friends were victorious soon, so Pinkamena could learn about these feelings. She borrowed a book from Twilight. It was a book with a big heart on it. She chose it, because the feelings had the biggest impact on her heart, so a book with a heart on it would be the only logic conclusion?
She read the book excited and then it hit her: She fell in love. With Raritie’s boyfriend! Little Pinkamena was ashamed to fall in love with her friends love interest. So she suppressed her feelings. It was hard, but she did it for friendship’s sake. She would never risk to destroy her relationship with Rarity.
But Pinkamena hadn’t to suffer for a long time: Short time after Discord was defeated, Rarity dumped her boyfriend – NO! She threw him away like a lifeless object. That was Pinkamena’s time: she was there to comfort the poor guy. After a while, he got over Rarity and he and Pinkamena became friends. And a little later, these friends became a loving couple. He was a quiet man. Talking was not really his thing. On the other hand, young miss Pinkamena Pie was really energetic and talkative. You could think, that two people, so different, can’t go well for a long time, but it worked out. After all, there were some things they had in common: for example, both lived for a long time on a rock farm. Eventually, both married. It was a beautiful day. The ceremony was in the Whitetail Wood. All of her friends and family were there. The sun was shining, Fluttershy made the birds sing and Rainbow Dash performed a special “double rainboom” just for her friend. It was a perfect day. Well, it was almost a perfect day: Pinkamena’s mother in law didn’t say a word. To be fair, she never talked with Pinkie. She didn’t know if she didn’t like her or if it was just the way she was, but her silence always made Pinkamena feel unwelcome. Anyway, Pinkamena was happy on her special day, and she even giggled, when the priest asked the groom “If you are willing to marry this mare, so say >yes, I do<.” And he was too nervous to answer.
But soon after the wedding, the first problems came up: the new husband didn’t get a job in Ponyville, still, he tried really hard. Pinkamena still had her job at the Sugarcubecorner, but life got expensive. It was a tough decision, but finally, they thought it would be better to work together on Pinkamena’s family’s rock farm. It was still close to Ponyville, so they could go everyday visit it and their friends always dropped in for a visit, but it wasn’t the same.
But that wasn’t the only problem. In this married couple, the wish for a foal begun to grow. But sadly, it never worked although the father-to-be was always “ready to rock” as they used to say. After seeing a doctor, they had to face the sad fact, that they will never have their own foals: their genes just don’t match. After that came a whole month of depression. One day, Pinkamena went to her husband, kissed him on the head and smiled: “Though we will never have our own foals, we still have each other. I’ll never let you go.” No reaction. After that time, the husband stopped to care about his personal hygiene. He was once so sparkling, but he became more and more matt.
Pinkamena discovered that her beloved began to drink: it started with a glass of apple cider a day, but it became 4 bottles a day. She asked him to stop drinking, she begged him. But he just ignored her.
Then she had enough. She couldn’t handle it anymore. She called a carriage and packed her things.
Now she’s standing there in the door, doesn’t move. “I’m leaving you.” She says in an indifferent voice. No answer. He just sits there, watching her. He sits there as always, dark and dusty, once sparkling, now matt. Moss seemed to grow over him. “I’m going back to Ponyville.” The carriage arrives. “I’m going, Tom, and I’m not coming back again. I thank you for all the good times we had. I will never forget you. But please, you need help.” She looks to the carriage, waiting for her. “Good bye, my Tom!”. With these words, she shuts the door and takes her carriage to Ponyville, heading for a new beginning, in her old life.
Tom just sits there, silent like a rock. He doesn’t feel anything, he doesn’t care about anything.
He just sits there, silent like a rock, that he is.

Den einzigen Fehler, den ich zu dieser Stunde erkannt habe, ist in Zeile 15: "She fell in love", müsste es heißen.
Zeile 4: "In the fight against Discord", würde ich hier vorschlagen. Mit "with" heißt es eher "Kabbelei", als Kampf.

"Never would she risk the good relationship to Rarity." Das hört sich sehr verdeutscht an. Ich weiß nicht, wie man weiter machen würde, aber auf jeden Fall mit "She" anfangen.
Vielleicht so: "She would never risk to destroy her relationship with Rarity."

Zu anderen Formulierungen habe ich mal mein Ipod-Dictionary befragt, aber umgangssprachlich sind die meisten passend.
Moment, Sweetie Belle ist in meinem Ipod?

Ich muss sagen, die Charakterentwicklung von Tom ist in keinster Weise nachvollziehbar. Außerdem lässt du den hohen gesellschaftlichen Stand seiner Mutter total außer Acht, die einer solchen Ehe niemals zugesagt hätte...

Also mal ehrlich, ich weiß nicht, in welchen Dosen du deine "Drogen" genossen hast. Aber eins steht fest: Mach weiter damit.

Ich habe mich wirklich ein bisschen amüsiert, aber es war auch tragisch. Trotzdem kann man sie nicht wirklich ernst nehmen, was dann auch wieder die Botschaft dahinter untermalt: Man kann mit Steinen keine Kinder zeugen. Es ist schlichtweg eine Parodie.

Dann ist da noch:"Ready to rock"
Das fand ich beim ersten Mal noch witzig. Als ich das dann mit dem Wissen um Tom rekapituliert habe...
Dieses Wortspiel... Boah, ich weiß nicht, wie ich das ausdrücken soll, so geil, so unnötig.
Ich muss aufhören, meinen Kopf gegen die Wand zu donnern. Er ist ja nicht rock-solid... Gott, das musste sein.

Leider ist die Geschichte wirklich etwas kurz, deshalb kann ich nun auch nicht viel mehr schreiben.

Aber trotz aller parodistischer Absicht, ist dieses "Mitten-in-die-Handlung-setzen" gut gewählt, zumal man bei 'ner Shipfic nicht unbedingt mit so einen
tragischen Start rechnet.
Auch bilden Anfang und Ende einen Rahmen, sogar einmal mit dem gleichen Wortlaut. Man muss also erst an ihren Erinnerungen teil haben, um zu verstehen, warum Pinkie überhaupt auszieht.

So, ich glaube das wär's von mir. Ach, noch eins:
Ich muss ganz ehrlich zugeben, dass ich erst gerafft habe, dass es sich um Tom handelt, als er "dark and dusty" war.
Hätte ich eigentlich schon merken müssen, als von Raritys Freund die Rede war.

Da habe ich keine Ahnung von.
Sorry, musste mal sein.